I have now been dating and married to a few different women over the years. They happen to all be the same person, my high school sweetheart Rachel. Rachel has changed over the years and is very different then when we met. My wife and I started dating when we were seventeen years old. Seventeen years old was the height of maturity and knowledge if you would have asked us then. She was my first very awkward kiss and I was hers. No one warns you that you do not know what to do and you figure it out together. It worked out okay as she still likes to kiss me and I her. It takes focus to stay connected with your spouse.
There is a lot of physical, mental, and spiritual things to figure out as a couple. We have went through changes on an individual level, a buttload (actual measurement in case you are wondering) of changes and many of those things have brought us closer together and some of those things have been difficult. We are separate, yet one as a married couple. Yeah, I don’t get it either but it’s true.
Unity in marriage when two individuals are changing does not happen without intentionality.
These 4 things help to keep my wife and I connected in good and bad times.
Prayer
At first, I hated praying out loud with my bride. I wanted her to think as the leader of our relationship I knew what I was doing. I didn’t need to pray about it because I had all the answers. Surprisingly, I did not have a clue. Over the years we have prayed together more and more. I have realized she does not want a man that knows it all, she wants one that surrenders it all to God. We have grown together as we have prayed to the Creator together. Pray with your spouse to draw closer to God and each other.
Learning together helps keep you connected with your spouse
I just read a super impactful book for me called, Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer. My first thought was concern. I read it and it impacted me greatly in areas that affects my bride. That night we talked about how she could consume the information and talk about it. She doesn’t need to come to the same conclusions as me. Discussing various topics in a healthy manner brings connection with your spouse. I believe learning together is crucial to marriage. We attend coaching, conferences, and read similar books to help keep on the similar wavelength. We are not the same, but are growing together. Learn together to grow together.
Intimacy of time helps to keep you connected with your spouse
Spend quantity and quality time together. Every Friday we have a date night. Even with COVID, we just have changed to eating dinner in the bedroom with a makeshift table and chairs. We also have end of the day mini dates where we sit on the porch and talk about our days. How can you spend one on one time where you are engaged with each other and not zoned out on phones or TV? Set aside time to share life and learn about your partner; there is always more to discover. Relationship is built with time and there is no substitute for time well spent.
Physical
I have Olivia Newton John’s song in my head, “Let’s Get Physical”! Here is the point: It matters. It’s not everything, however, it’s not nothing. Often men in particular start physically to connect in all areas. Guys, to expect this from your wife when you are not helping in other areas and connecting to her with time, prayer, and learning together is not a smart idea. She is more than just a physical being. Get to know her. My parents modeled a five second kiss growing up. When one of them got home they would kiss for five seconds. It was enough time to actually be in the moment together. Physical is not just sex. It’s also hugging, holding hands, kissing. Physical contact helps to unite a couple. How can you overcome tiredness and come together as husband and wife?
Word of warning on all these things. Forcing your spouse to do any of these things is a sure-fire way to fight with them. Pray for them and reach out with ideas telling them how important it is to you. In the end, they still get to be their own person and decide. My bride waited patiently for me to pray with her. It took longer than I would like to admit. Pray together, learn important things together, spend time, and get physical even when you are tired. Have patience with your spouse as they walk their own journey. Do your part to love your spouse the way he or she is today!
What helps you to stay connected with your spouse?