Archives For marriage

Your business should not be in competition with your spouse.
It shouldn’t be but there I went pitting my stores against my family. It felt like when I focused on my family my business struggled, and when I focused on my business my family struggled. Surprisingly my wife didn’t feel the love with this approach.
Instead of loving my family well they felt like an inconvenience.
A little tip for you: When your family feels like and inconvenience in your mind they will resent your business. What is internal isn’t hidden but felt by them.


If we are successful in business but fail at home we have failed.
Success should start at home and move into our business if we are approaching it the right way. If your spouse hates your business it is your fault not the business. The beauty about that is that you can also be the one that changes the home and work dynamic. Focusing on these 4 things will make your marriage prosper as you build a business.

Priorities. Nothing will change unless we get our priorities straight. Your family must always come before your business in your heart and mind. Schedule out family events and what time you will be off work and with them. Stick to what you say! We would never be late to a meeting with a client yet it is simple to be late in getting off work or canceling a family trip. By keeping your appointments with your family they will feel like the priority they should be. Sometimes you will need to work late but it shouldn’t be a pattern. Plan ahead and stick to the plan.
Today’s work today. One of my biggest balance problems is between the good old ears. I can get consumed with what is coming up and not be present with my family. Businesses never sleep it is what makes them beautiful for making money but it can consume you mentally if you let it. Make lists and then mark your lists on a calander. When I do this my mind is sharp and clear. I am able to work on today’s work today and leave the rest for another day. Do today’s work also means be diligent at work to get your work done.
Turn the key. Great advice I have received from a seasoned entrepreneur is when you are heading home for the day and you turn the key to your car visualize that you are turning off work and turning on home life. If you are unable to do this go back in and finish your work or write it on a calander for tomorrow. The same thing should be done going from home to work. Often we are consumed with home at work or work at home because we have open files that need to be dealt with. Turn the key and switch your focus to operate a successful business and home.
Talk shop. Plan, dream, and talk about the business with your spouse. My wife is not involved in my business but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a say in it. She helps me make decisions and when I am being smart helps me to develop a business she wants. Your business can be a vehicle to reach your dreams with the right intentions and actions. Does your spouse value money or time? What freedom matters the most? Are you telling them the good parts of your day or just the negative things? Talk about your business to gain unity and clarity.

Practice and focus on these four principles and watch your marriage thrive. If you haven’t done these four things it will take time to switch your spouse’s perception of your business. Practice patience and focus and they will love your business. Be blessed on your journey.

What helps your marriage to prosper while building a business?

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An Uncommon Marriage

Zechariah Newman —  April 25, 2016 — 1 Comment

Standing up front sweating in a tux it was 90 degrees out, and I was wondering how I could get any hotter. But there I stood in front of family and friends waiting for my high school sweetheart. We had been dating for one month shy of five years and with college behind us we were ready to start our lives together as one. Watching her walk down the aisle with her father I remember thinking, what a lucky man I was that I got to spend the rest of my life with her.

couple in the rain

photo by: KC Newman Photography

In these moments, it’s easy to love. In these moments, it’s easy to see what I appreciate about my beautiful bride. Over the years, we have built a great life together. Three great kids, two businesses, great friends, and many more blessings. It has been a fun almost twelve years of marriage full of adventure, laughter, and tears.

 

Routine

Overtime in marriage habits get set. Subconsciously or maybe pen and paper together, chores, responsibility, and life becomes divided. This routine is not bad. It saves many arguments in a marriage. After a while this routine gets your relationship into a nice groove. Life starts to fly by until it gets interrupted by surprises like little ones. Then it takes a while to get your feet under you as you adjust to the new normal and the new routine.

Danger

Routines are great until they are not. Routines serve a purpose, but there are dangers to this repetitive life. Marriage can get stale at times and we often start to take our partner for granted. Your wife does the dishes every day and you stop telling her how much you appreciate her doing the dishes. Your husband always does the laundry and you stop appreciating not having to do it. After all, it’s their job so you save it for them. If you’re not careful you can feel alone even in marriage. Routines can cause your spouse to feel underappreciated, unloved, and disrespected. The one you use to pursue is now forgotten to your predictable life. Really routine can give way to self and a marriage focused on your own wants and desires is one that is headed for disaster.

Hope

What if you pursued your spouse like you were trying to win them? Little acts of love add up into momentum in your marriage. Being specific in praise, writing a note, surprising them with a small gift, doing “their” chores, messages, etc. What if one night a week you turned off the T.V. and talked? In all reality, it is not hard to make your husband or wife feel special. The problem is usually we do one thing and then expect an immediate response. This is not love. It is manipulation. Love is laying down your life for your wife men. It is showing your husband respect when he may not deserve it. It is thinking the best of your partner not the worse.

Building momentum in marriage is not easy, but once you do it man it snowballs. Once you decide to love uncommon, you have an uncommon love. Extraordinary love takes dedication, sacrifice, and at times long-suffering. Decide today that no matter what your spouse does, you will love them like you were dating. A marriage that is thriving is made up of two people discovering, exploring, and loving each other. A marriage that is two becoming one until death. Be blessed on your marriage journey.

How can you serve your spouse this week?

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I’m failing as a husband, father, business owner, and personally. Every area of my life on the outside looks pretty close to perfect but on the inside I suck. I don’t give my kids enough attention. My wife’s needs to connect emotionally are left unmet. I’m impatient, angry, and depressed. The accuser is always quick to point out all my failures. I never realized life would be this hard, it looks so easy for everyone else. I always thought I would be successful; I thought things would come easy for me.That success would fill empty places, I thought people that weren’t succeeding where just lazy. I was cocky, and life has smacked me back to reality. I expected  perfection from myself. My expectations for myself have not been close to how I have performed. I suck if all I listen to are the thoughts that roar inside my mind when I fail.

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Photo by: KCNewman Photography

Perfection myth. The imposter would like you to believe that perfection is attainable. That somehow one day we will try hard enough and fix enough about ourselves that we won’t fail. Those other people have it together, and you don’t. That somehow the genetic father and dad gene skipped over you and me. I’m falling short of perfection, and that’s ok. I’m failing because I fall short of the expectation for myself that have in my mind. The standard the Bible calls me toward. I’m failing because I’m not Superman. I fail and instead of a comforting voice telling me it’s ok the imposter inside of me laughs. That voice inside my head and yours probably too. That accusatory voice is whispering into our ears thoughts of unworthiness and it never stops. Juggling all our responsibilities and relationships, we are bound to drop things. When we let go of a ball is when the imposter starts in on us. Not acknowledging when we do things correctly our mind is our biggest critic. The imposter that says to close myself off from those I love. The imposter that says we should hide failure and pretend that we have it all together.

Hope. There’s hope, though. There’s hope if we refuse to quit! There’s hope because we will keep aiming to be a man of honor and integrity. If we want to be a man that fights for their family and loves them well. A husband and father that is Patient, Kind and understanding is the bar that we must set. We desire to be the business owner that is a sacrificial leader. If we want to be that man, we must never quit. There is hope if we keep trying and keep failing forward. We must refuse to give up. We must refuse to stop aiming high to the standard that the Bible points us toward. We must commit to ignore the imposter that wants to get us to stop trying. We must continue to aim at being the sacrificial man our family needs and deserves. There’s hope because we keep learning and growing. Hope because Jesus makes us whole not our performance.

Failing Forward. We must be comfortable with failure. We must come from a place of aiming high and realizing it is only God that gives us what we need to get there. We must acknowledge our imperfection. It is Jesus and His death and resurrection that complete us. He makes us Righteous but we will never be perfect until heaven. Perfection is a myth; surrender is what is required. Philippians 4:13 “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” We will not reach the goal, but we must press on. We must press through. We must never give up.

So even though we say to ourselves we are unworthy and a failure. We can stand in TRUTH that we are made worthy through the shed blood of the lamb, not in goals reached or in less struggle. That to have it all we must surrender it all. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11 says, “But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” That if this is true it is never about us but always about Him. Be blessed on your journey as you trust Jesus and His shaping in your life.

Do you struggle with feeling like a failure after failure?

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When building your business, you need to remind yourself that your spouse and children come first. When your spouse is not working for the business, they can feel second if you’re not intentional. I have been married to my High school sweetheart for eleven years. It has been a great ride, but I would be lying if I said that two becoming one was always a smooth and easy process. At times, I have been on auto pilot in Marriage instead of pursuing her like when we were dating. The standard should be to grow continually and improve in our marriages. I have such an awesome marriage, but I know I am always capable of more. That there is areas that I could love her more the way she needs.

Ephesians 5:25

Men let’s commit to love our wives more deeply in these four areas.

1. Lead. Let’s lead better. Looking at the landscape of our society we have dropped the ball as men. We should be leading much better, we should be leading by example and humility. Instead, I often see men myself included as consumers only caring about our wants and desires. Leading is putting your family first. Leading is hitting your knees in prayer, leading well is not needing to be asked to help around the house or with your kids. Leading is allowing others to go second because we are brave enough to go first. First to apologize, first to serve, and first to appreciate.

This year and the years to come I pledge to be a better leader of my family.

2. Follow God. The more I follow and chase after Christ the more my wife feels love. God allows me to love on a whole other level when I am abiding in Him. He changes my heart from selfish to one of service. Only when I feel the love of God, can I love to that level and as a husband that is my duty. To love my wife the way Christ loved the Church. I can only love my wife sacrificially the way she deserves when I submit to and am yoked to Christ.

This year and the years to come I pledge to have a more intimate relationship with God.

3. Presence. My wife’s biggest love language is quality time. As someone who is always on the move and thinking, doing T-charts, and budgets I struggle to be at this very moment. As you can guess, this can be a problem. Most of our discussions are about my inability to be here and how it makes her feel unloved. As I am working on this, I need to set boundaries with technology and yellow pads. Focusing on presence is helping me; as measurement and focus improves performance.

This year and the years to come I pledge to be here in the now with you more every day.

4. Discover. We could spend our whole lives trying to discover our wives, and we will still not fully know them. When we are dating it is simple to seek to figure out our partners but somewhere along the line, we get comfortable. We stop discovering and pursuing our mates. We stop finding new things they like, looking entirely at them and finding new ways to love them. We settle for good enough instead of a continual pursuit.

This year and the years to come I pledge to investigate and discover who you are.

Good enough is just not good enough for me. This year press in a little deeper get to know your wife a bit more. Be the knight in shining armor that you are meant to be. Fight for your marriage, fight for her heart and you will be blessed beyond measure in your marriage journey.

How can you love your wife more?

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Chasing a dream requires so much energy and focus that if you are not careful it can divide your marriage. However, chasing a dream properly has the potential to unite and bond you closer to your spouse. A couple headed together towards a common vision is so dynamic and reaches a level of intimacy that many dream of.
family
In the beginning of my dream chasing journey I pursued my dream so selfishly that I put strain and pressure on my marriage. Don’t let this happen to you. Chase a common dream instead of a selfish ambition. It will require a little more time and a little give and take but the benifit is worth it.
These 5 things will make your marriage prosper while chasing a dream.
 
God first. It is common place to put other things including your spouse in front of God. I struggle honestly to this day, but the more my wife has went to number two and God moved to first place, the more love I have to show her. Putting God first will make your cup overflow into all areas of life causing the dream chasing journey to flourish. God is the giver of dreams. It is essential to remember to worship the Creator not the creation.
 
Cast a vision. I am task oriented and unfortunately I tend to communicate a task instead of casting a vision. It is important to communicate a vision to your spouse as that is where the life of the dream is found. Vision allows you to endure and do responsibilities you don’t like in order to get that result you want. Cast the vision of the dream to create buy in from your spouse.
 
Push and pull. When a dream is in your heart and mind, it is easy to be stubborn headed and want things one specific way. This will not do if you want a united marriage towards a dream. You must allow for give and take. Both people have to have ownership of the dream and the only way that will happen is if some of your things are killed to make room for some of your spouse’s ideas and plans. Pushback and correction is not a sign of hating on your dream, but a sign of intimacy within marriage. Allow for open pushback to unite in the same direction.
 
Time. Where you spend your time shows you where your heart is. You need to find time to work on your dream when it is not taking away from your spouse and children. For me this is usually early in the morning when no one is awake. Allocate time daily to work on your dream so you get motion, but more importantly be intentional about the time that you are still a partner and a parent. Set clear boundaries so that your family does not feel like second place.
 
Shut up. If you are like me this is hard to do. I get so thrilled about an idea that I talk about it constantly. Talk about other things and shut your yapper about your dream sometimes. There is nothing that will drive your partner more nuts than you having an inability to talk about anything other than the dream. Zip your lip and just do life together.
The process of two becoming one is life long and is not always easy. Slow down, communicate openly and honestly, and enjoy the ride. Be blessed on your journey.
Are you involving your family in the dream?
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Chasing a dream is like bringing home a newborn baby. The baby is cute and you love it, but it also cries and poops a lot. Life will never be the same the day you bring your child home from the hospital and life will never be the same the moment you seriously chase a dream in your heart. The amount of time, emotion, and physical energy that chasing a dream takes can, like most stressors, bring a couple together or tear them apart.

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photo by: KCNewman photography

For a long time I chased my dream my way. Unfortunately, this did nothing but lead to strife in my marriage. Chasing a dream by yourself is a great way to be miserable and there is a better way. It is necessary for you to get on the same page as your wife. These 5 things will allow a couple to unite together around a common dream.

1.Clear her plate. Your wife has so much going on! It is easy to focus on what responsibilities we have that we forget the major tasks and responsibilities of our partner. Let me speak this from experience; she is not going to give you her full attention when she has a full to-do list. Clear responsibilities from her life so she can give you her full attention to dream with you.

2. Pray together. This should happen in all areas, but praying for a common vision, for peace in the house, and wisdom as a couple is a must. The unity that happens when you begin to pray together is huge. Praying together is one of the things that brings two goals into one vision over time.

3. Don’t cut her off. Sometimes it is easy to cut off our wives or equally bad not fully listen and weigh what she says. If you want buy in from both people, both have to contribute and both have to yield. Open your ears and close your mouth. The give and take that happens in marriage builds a stronger united front.

4. Remove distractions. Schedule time to turn off phones, television, internet, and all other technology. Make sure the children are asleep or better yet get out of town. Life moves at a million miles an hour. To be focused on each other and plan a future you need 100% of each other’s attention.

5. 7-45-48. Communication involves 7% of the words we say, 45% tone of voice and 48% body language. Uniting together requires expert communication. You must be conscious about what you are fully communicating and not just the words you say. Saying, “I value your opinion” with a negative tone and body language is not going to communicate positivity. Be conscious of what you are fully communicating in order to fully dream together.

The only way to dream together is to communicate your heart and hear her’s. Cast a vision together and your marriage life will flourish. Dreaming together is not easy. It is worth it though. The chain of priority should be God, then your wife, and then you bring up the rear. This is something I need to remind myself daily and you should as well. Dream together and life will never be the same! Be blessed on your journey.
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I am ashamed that in the early parts of my journey and still on certain days, I have viewed my family as a hindrance to my dream. If I only had more time. I can’t pursue my dreams because I don’t have time due to the demands of being a dad. These thoughts and excuses were part of my regular life. Blaming them instead of taking full responsibility for my inaction. I talked about this in length in my book, Dreams That Last. The bottom line is this; if you have a family you can either include your family or exclude them.

Including your family in the dream chasing journey will not come easy. It takes commitment and creativity to chase a dream with your family. These 4 things will help you to create a family dream.

family

1. Margin. This will sound the opposite of chasing your dream with your family, but it’s not. You don’t want your spouse or kids to hate your dream, so as much as possible work on your dream in the margins of your life. I write in the morning before my wife and kids wake up. This helps them to still love my dream because it doesn’t take away from time with them.

2. Have them help. As much as possible ask them to help you. I asked my daughter today how I could be a better dad. My wife, a new blogger, (aimed at you busy moms) corrects my blogs. In our restaurants, our kids have helped roll dough for a few minutes and they have even been tipped by customers. Make it a family affair as much as possible. Your family will be eager to help if you frame it right.

3. Ask and Listen. We need to ask and listen to our families about when to slow down and when it is okay to push. I struggle here as I am a little bit of a stubborn headed mule. I am working on this and you need to work on this too. Listen to your loved ones and if they tell you they feel second, ask them how you can change it. No defense; just listen and come up with an agreed upon plan.

4. Boundaries. Have clear boundaries of work time and family time. I love to write so much this is hard for me. I have stopped writing in the evening to be present as a husband and a dad. What time are you off and keeping sacred for your family? If you love your dream this may be hard, however, it is essential.

Let’s make it a priority to keep family first. Include your family whenever possible. This journey is too long and hard on your own. One day at a time, one action at a time. Encourage your family to speak up. Listen to each person and incorporate your dream into your family. If you do this your family will have a big dream and not just a dream so small for just one. Be blessed on your journey.

How do you include your family in your dream?

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Love In Marriage

Zechariah Newman —  June 24, 2014 — 11 Comments

This week my wife and I have been married ten years. Though I am far from having all of the answers I have learned a few things along the way. There is one that sticks out like a sore thumb and that is I fail to meet the expectations put on me by the scripture. My wife who is full of mercy says, “You are too hard on yourself.” But let’s look at what the Bible says. In Ephesians 5:25 it says, “I am to love my wife the way Christ loved the church and gave His life up for her.

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If I was honest, in the early years my love was more often than I like to admit manipulative. Some thoughts that I had, What can I get? What do I need to do to get it? Though my acts look sacrificial, they were more for me than my loving wife.

While chasing your dream, it is beyond important to focus on the first things. One of those is the spousal relationship. As a man this is mainly for us guys, but I pray married or single, man or woman, you find value in this. As men, we have one job; to love like Christ. It is not to tell our wives to submit, (a peeve of mine), but to love in a sacrificial way. To lay down our wants and desires for the good of our wives. To lead in a servant way. To be strong by being gentle. Because in 1 Corinthians 13:3-8 it says, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” We are called to love our partners in this manner. In the same way God loves us. So let’s all whether male or female, single or married, raise our game. Let’s love a little more on the journey of life. Be blessed on your journey.

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For a long time while dream chasing I viewed my family in the wrong light. I am ashamed to admit that I viewed my family as a burden and a road block to my dream. I was going about chasing my dream all wrong pushing aside my family and God to get my dream faster. There was not anything malicious and frankly I was still spending a lot of time with them. The problem was in my heart. My heart toward my family was a little off. Thank the Lord that I pressed into God and in my quiet time He spoke to my heart. You see it is the little things that show us if we are putting our family in proper order. If our priorities are not right we actually end up with a cheap knock off to what dream chasing is all about.

Dream Chasing with the kids

Nothing could be more rewarding than chasing a dream with your family. Don’t leave them behind, but embrace them as co-dreamers. Your dream shouldn’t after all be your dream, rather your family should be referring to it as our dream. You need buy in and staying power with the family or you will be fighting up-stream against them instead of being united going in a common direction.

This is so impactful and important to me that I wrote a book on the subject. I am getting input and direction from my loving wife instead of putting it all on my shoulders. As a dream chaser you and I will be tempted to chase improperly and it can lead to loss of family, faith, and health. The imitation that we are promised in our minds is never there instead it could end up being a bunch of wreckage. It is important to chase our dreams properly so coming soon is my new eBook called, Dreams That Last.

In the book I will discuss proper dream chasing and what God has to say about it. This book will highlight the proper foundational elements to chasing dreams and keeping God in his rightful place as well as your family.

How do you include your family in your dream chasing?

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Dating Your Spouse

Zechariah Newman —  September 24, 2013 — 2 Comments

Life goes 100 mph. Throw kids, stressful jobs, volunteering, and one hundred other things in and it is so easy to put the relationship with your spouse on hold. Here are 5 things you must be doing to have a thriving marriage. I want to focus on #3 and #5 which is “work at it” and “you are their only shot.” Close your eyes for a minute and remember when you first met your spouse. You would do anything to spend time with them. I would talk to my wife for hours each week on the phone. I would stay up way too late with her. I would watch any chick flick she wanted. She went fly fishing and hiking with me. We would do all kinds of things with each other. It is not easy to keep the fire stoked with passion. Whether we like to admit it or not, I think we all start to take time with our spouses for granted. These 3 things help me to date my wife.

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Photo by: http://kcnewmanphotography.zenfolio.com/

1. Turn off the phone. Is it sad that this is really hard for me? Cell phones are an ADD person’s dream now a days. I struggle with not looking at it while my wife, Rachel is talking to me. It is more of a habit than anything. I have found I need to turn off the phone or remove it from around me. It is impossible to connect when we are not fully in the moment. By being on your phone you and I are not multi tasking. We are just doing both poorly. It is impossible to give all of ourselves to our spouse when part of our consciousness is focused on something else. You are not engaging with your spouse. Repeating what they say is not the same as listening, so I have been told a time or two.

2. Ask questions. If you think you know your husband or wife fully, I would say you are fooling yourself. I am still learning about Rachel because she is changing. We are not the same people we were when we got married. I bet your spouse has changed too. I asked Rachel, “What could I do so that you feel like we connect?” She told me, “Turn off all technology when we are by ourselves.” A question she asked me last week is, ” Did you picture your wife staying at home or working?” What is important and healthy about these things is that we are pursuing each other and asking questions. Keep exploring who your husband or wife is. I will still be finding out who Rachel is when our hair is gray and our bodies frail.

3. What do they like to do? Do you know what your husband or wife likes to do? Rachel likes to shop. I loath shopping. She also loves concerts and I’m indifferent to them. I love football and the outdoors. Rachel likes those things, but not nearly to the degree I do. Certain activities we want to do alone, but we need to do some things together. Men try shopping with your wife without looking at your watch and looking agitated the whole time. Participate with them and tell them what you like when they try it on. Ladies try watching the big game and not talking. Men don’t need to talk, especially during a play. For most men just doing something together is all we need.

These three things help me to be a pursuer of my wife. Two becoming one takes a lifetime. Don’t be complacent where you are. Make it a priority to connect with each other again. Date your spouse. Be blessed on your journey.

What do you do to keep dating your spouse?

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